Going out takes so much from me
As water touches my skin
My mind is in a distant place
On a bus, with my head on his shoulder
As I open my closet
I’m in bed with my legs twisted around his
Putting on my make-up
The mirror reflects an empty gaze
For I am looking at someone else’s eyes
Whispering, “you took everything”
And then I walk out the door
Into my car where it all began
It takes so much, even when there’s nothing left
It still takes so much
When my job was done, God told me that it was time to go. I didn’t listen because I’ve grown to love whom I was meant to help, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But the problem was that I didn’t listen, unwilling to accept the reality that what will be, must be. I stayed and I took all the suffering that came with fighting change, fighting fate. I fought so hard, and I still lost. But if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing because I can say that I have loved til I had nothing left to lose.
It is such a beautiful thing to fight for something, to give it your all, despite the fact that you knew you were going to lose anyway, just to see if there was a tiny glimpse of hope for a future between two people destined to go their separate ways. An emotion so raw, so powerful is worth the pain it brings at the end of the road. Because at least at one point, it felt like the best thing on earth.
I’m currently reading John Green’s ‘Looking for Alaska’, and to be honest, I’m reading it partly because I want to know what happens, but also because it belongs to a friend of mine who’s been constantly asking if I’ve read it already. So anyway, I’m at the part where they were playing a drinking game called ‘Best Day/Worst Day’ and it got me thinking of what my best day was like. It didn’t take long for me to figure it out.
My best day happened a few months ago. We went on a road trip and spent a few hours swimming in the pool. There’s a part in the pool where you can sit with your legs stretched out and we sat there, side by side watching the sunset, it was beautiful. Soon after, we dried ourselves up and went to a restaurant for dinner, where the food was so good. We spent the rest of the night walking around the area, taking in the fresh air. It might not seem like much, but to me, it was the best day of my life.
And I realized that it doesn’t really matter what it was that you did, because what’ll make a day stand out from all the other days you’ve had is who you were with, and more importantly, how you felt.
Shadows have left, crying got old.
Bland and bittersweet, wondering what went wrong,
there goes all hope.
But the feeling tries to escape,
it bleeds through the light even when I close my eyes.
I can’t wait to chase the fiction home, and carry on.
When I get through this, I hope I get through you.
The minute you closed the door, my eyes washed the floor.
It’s hard to say, but there seems to be no other way.
No other way but down.
You said so yourself, it’s just a feeling.
What are you crying for, when it’s just a feeling?
This thing is alive, eating your insides, feeding off the energy that you give it. As long as you want it to dwell within you, it will never leave; it is faithful in that sense but it does not live to do good. It contorts your thoughts, it clouds your vision, making you sick. Try as I might to save you, my efforts prove to be in vain because you can’t save someone who wishes to drown.
I heard once that we have to accept that not everything we want will be given to us, because maybe it will do more harm than good. I know this, like I know that you can walk on burning coal without being burnt - only in theory, but have yet to put it to practice.
Deep inside however, I think that the realization and application of that saying, in my life is what will bring me at peace, what will set me free. But the scary thing is sometimes, I think the problem is that I don’t want to be free. I want to put up with the pain and suffering brought about by such a beautiful being with beautiful words. I have succumbed to the contract of not being promised forever or maybe even tomorrow, that his presence may or may not be (but most likely) temporary.
But if I have learned anything so far, it is that not all beautiful things make for happy endings.